My mom worked hours and hours and then came home to basically take care of my dad. I spent most of my time in my room. Yes, you guessed it: reading and writing high school poetry, and also watching a lot of nerd shows on The History Channel when it used to have informative documentaries that were not all about WWII. I spent most of my time working — I started working part-time jobs when I was Totally legal in Michigan. And I was fine. I did not dwell on what I did not have.
The script about sympathy and about funerals and about whatever kind words people say to people who lost a parent that always assume some kind of bond that inspires deep grief and major psychological impact. The constant hard to put into words thing I have always been up against. The thing of assumed shared or similar experience.
That dads mean this and moms mean this and families mean this and that is just how it is for everyone across the board. Can we maybe stop doing that thing? Can we assume the realities of difference and find commonality instead? Somehow that feels better. Because I do not start as deficient in that conversation, — we both start at the same place, and then we both get to be different and ok. No one is faulty or abnormal that way, see?
I like that. Report back if you do. The author, Jenny, and her little sister. In the s, looking normal, right? One Last Story To Tell. What I have is one more story to tell. And now, the capstone, the last chapter: the time my dad died drunk and choking on a chili dog.
Knocking on heaven’s door
I know that in his way he maybe tried to try. He would bring us teddy bears and toys that he got dumpster diving. He would draw us pictures and paint eggs and spoons for us. But he was always drunk or drinking to get drunk.
Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door
He was always a shell of a dude, just there, and there was nothing to be done about that. I do not have stories of the time my dad and I did this, or went here, or had this experience that was funny. No stories about the time my dad and I talked about this serious thing or anything at all. And I have learned over the years to just be ok with that. This early lesson in being ok when things around me are not ok, or, to rephrase it, in knowing that I am the one in charge of my life, my feelings, my responses, my attitudes, my choices, made me who I am.
I do not enable people.
Knocking on Heaven’s Door — By Lisa Randall — Book Review - The New York Times
Yet, I am also kind. Sure we all have issues to work out, — but the thing about me, I have always been aware of that an on it when it comes to looking for things that give me the tools I need to get to that place of far-off but I believe possible self-actualization. It does not mean anything to a lot of people. It is one of those days where people who live in or who survived dysfunctional families have to either go robotic in our responses. I have heard it ten times this week already: well, he was your dad, and blood is thicker than water.
When in actuality, I am going to need anyone who says this to back it up with historical and factual evidence. Because for many families and members of families since families became a way to organize aspects of social life, this has simply not been the case. No, what is more accurate is that blood is just stickier than water. Harder to wash away, to clean off. They are insanely blessed to have him. And while I sometimes get strangely sad that it took us so long to find each other, I am grateful that he is here now to be a good stepdad and male role model to my little girl.
She is blessed too. And that is ok with me. It would be nice if our culture had a better grasp on the realities that are different for so many families. If we did not assume cookie cutter experiences of family and role and rite of passage. Some people have amazing dads, some have not so great dads. We all learn from the experiences and we can all be good people — shaped by standard norms or shaped by dysfunctional ones. What we are, what we become, is in our own hands, not in the grips of our past.
Who we are is a matter of our own thoughts and actions. No one else can give or take our joys, accomplishments, attitudes, or even our feelings. So how do I conclude this?
I have people just waiting for me to grieve, I know. But guys, I am ok.
I have had 39 years to come to terms with all of this, and to be in this space where who my dad was and who I am are not … well, are not related. He made choices. I made choices. There was not much overlap only in that his choices made me make sure to make choices that were vastly different and better than what I saw him doing. Sure, sometimes I got treated differently or judged, or left out because of who my dad was. But, I did the best I could with what I had. Real talk. Photo Credit: The Garden.
An Attempt at Concluding, an Attempt at a Poem. To conclude, I suppose, I have an attempt at a poem.
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View all New York Times newsletters. Such matters, it must be said, are among the very hardest to get across to non-physicists. Randall does manage to deliver such moments, if not as consistently as other physics-popularizers notably Steven Weinberg, Brian Greene and Lawrence Krauss. Her philosophical ruminations are more uneven. She gives a fine analysis of the affinity between scientific and artistic beauty, comparing the broken symmetries of a Richard Serra sculpture to those at the core of the Standard Model.
Elsewhere, though, she is guilty of what might be called premature intellectual closure. Can a scientist be religious? Only at the price of inconsistency, she argues, because scientific determinism is not compatible with belief in a deity who can willfully intervene in the world. Sympathetic though I am to her conclusion, I would point out that scientific determinism is equally incompatible with free will and moral responsibility.
It is interesting to consider the Large Hadron Collider itself in this light. It came together through interactions that, in principle at least, could be entirely accounted for by the laws of physics, without any reference at all to human will or purpose.
Its existence is a sign that the laws of physics mandate their own discovery. Tell us what you think. Please upgrade your browser.
- Agonalia (La Lancia di Marte Vol. 1) (Italian Edition).
- Crack Between the Worlds.
- Petite histoire des médicaments : De lAntiquité à nos jours (Sciences de la vie) (French Edition)?
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